Palm Springs II: Revenge of the Aerobics Bimbo

Another day in Palm Springs, another thong leotard.

Another day in Palm Springs, another thong leotard.

Previously on SBTB: Jessie’s dad is engaged to the Aerobics Bimbo, and she’s not too happy about it. Slater bagged a princess. Zack and Kelly kissed, but without any studio-audience “woooo”ing since we’re on location.

Kelly and Lisa are at the health club, where Kelly is filling Lisa in on all of the spine-tingling details of her kiss with Zack. Just as Lisa’s asking if it could be “the big L,” Zack walks up and says, “Hi, Kelly.” Kelly says, “Hi, Zack.” Lisa gets all excited and acts like they’re going at it like rabbits right there on the stationary bikes. They give her a weird look and walk away.

Elsewhere in the gym, Slater is lifting weights when Princess Kristina comes up and asks him if he’ll join her for dinner with her father. He gets all nervous about seeing the king of Liechten-whatever again. Don’t worry, Slater. If all else fails, I’m sure you can just toss out a few of the cheesy lines you used to pick up Kristina.

Jessie, wearing a leftover outfit from the “Get Down and Go for It!” video, hands a note to the aerobics secretary to give to Leslie. Moments later, Leslie walks up, pleased to see that Jessie has had a change of heart and is joining her next class. Ah, how little you know, Leslie. She finds the note from Jessie, which says that Jessie’s father has to cancel their dinner plans. Hmm, good one, Jessie…I’m sure one cancelled dinner will be all it will take to get Leslie to call off the wedding.

Later, Jessie and her father are walking through the hotel hand-in-hand (paging Dr. Freud!), and she asks him if they can have dinner. He says he’s having dinner with Leslie, but that she can join them. Jessie declines and then “reluctantly” accepts in the same breath.

This episode had way too few wayward battle axes, people dressed up like Bea Arthur, and mango tonics with kiwi twists.

This episode had way too few wayward battle axes, people dressed up like Bea Arthur, and mango tonics with kiwi twists.

The gang gathers for dinner elsewhere in the lobby, Lisa and Kelly wearing the exact same dresses they were wearing in the murder-mystery episode. Kelly says her dress is Zack’s favorite. Then how come last time she wore it, he was more interested in hitting on the French maid? Lisa gives Slater a pep talk for his royal dinner, and he leaves. Screech makes some comment to Lisa about being the last two coconuts on the tree, to which she replies, “I hate coconuts,” and walks off, presumably to hunt down a mango tonic with a kiwi twist.

Inside the restaurant, Slater’s dinner with the royal family of Lichten-whatever is not going well. Actually, it’s not really going that bad when you consider that the first time Screech met Violet’s parents, he tucked the tablecloth into his pants and sent their fine china flying all over the floor. Anyway, Slater senses that His Royal Highness is not impressed with his athletic prowess, so he makes up a bunch of stories about how his father is a “major colonel general” (which, to me, just smacks of “The Pirates of Penzance”) and how his grandfather owned half of California. Ah, yes, the American captains of industry: the Rockefellers, the Carnegies and the Slaters.

On the other side of the restaurant, Jessie’s Electra complex is having a blast at an intimate dinner with her father. But then Leslie shows up, wondering why Mr. Spano is at the restaurant if he cancelled dinner plans with her. What I’m wondering is why Leslie is at the restaurant in full early-90s Palm Springs dinner garb if her dinner plans were supposedly cancelled.

Craig Strand would be so proud.

Craig Strand would be so proud.

The next day, Leslie is wobbling around on Mr. Spano’s shoulders at the pool. The whole gang is watching them from some lounge chairs, talking about how in love they are. SBTB: Where love means always having a partner for the chicken fight. Kelly expresses her feelings for Zack by dragging him into the pool for a little chicken-fighting action. Everyone else hops into the pool but Slater. Evidently he was waiting for Kristina to drop by and invite him to tennis so he could blow her off for being too rich. Once that’s out of the way, he jumps into the pool as well.

Jessie’s Electra complex once again rears its ugly head as she begs her “daddy” to race with her in the most four-year-old voice I’ve ever heard from someone who is not actually four years old. Somehow Leslie gets included in the race as well. Jessie’s lagging behind until she uses the race-winning tips she picked up from Craig Strand and pushes Leslie out of the way so she can edge ahead. Again, Jessie, not going to stop the wedding unless you actually drown her.

Um, who is this cougar eyeing Zack on the dance floor? Can no one in this hotel date within their own age group?

Um, who is this cougar eyeing Zack on the dance floor? Can no one in this hotel date within their own age group?

The gang is having dinner next to a dance floor. You know, every time I’ve seen this episode, I got the impression that this was the wedding reception. But now it occurs to me that it can’t be because the wedding hasn’t even happened yet. Anyway, they are at some sort of random dinner/dance where they just happen to have a really hunky waiter. You know, one of those guys that when he smiles, there’s a little sparkle on his tooth and one of those “ding” sound effects. Only there’s actually not a sparkle and a “ding,” which is surprising because that’s such a SBTB thing to do. At any rate, the hunky waiter smiles at Kelly and immediately makes her start to question her rekindled romance with Zack.

Also at the dinner/dance, Kristina confronts Slater, telling him he can’t just “bury his head in the cement.” Even though Kristina’s English has been impeccable up to now, she apparently gets screwed up on those American phrases when she’s overcome with emotion, because as soon as they make up, she tells Slater how pleased she is to be dating “a real American cheesecake.”

Before the wedding, Lisa (who appears to be the official wedding photographer, which makes sense because, for all we know, she has never picked up a camera before in her life) is taking pictures of Leslie and Jessie, who is wearing an unnecessarily poufy bridesmaid’s dress. Jessie figures this is her last chance to break up the wedding, so she calls Leslie a gold-digging bimbo, among other choice words. (Well, not too choice—this is a family show, after all.) Leslie basically tells her that a couple of faked headaches, a cancelled dinner, an attempted drowning and Jessie acting like a royal [bleep] cannot keep her away from the love of her life, Mr. Spano. So Jessie does the mature thing and runs away.

Seriously, what's with the carpet bag?

Seriously, what’s with the carpet bag?

The gang gathers for the wedding in The Official Hotel Lobby for Getting Dressed Up and Gathering. It is here that Zack and Kelly make a quick, painless and totally mutual decision to just be friends. How Zack came to feel this way is beyond me, since the last time he said anything about it, he was head over heels for Kelly. Perhaps he fell for the charms of the hunky waiter as well. Or perhaps we’ve just wasted too much time on this subplot already and need to get back to the main issue at hand, which is…

Jessie Poppins, stomping across the golf course, her dyeable bridesmaid shoes in one hand and a huge carpet bag in the other. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! (My spell checker totally just allowed that word, in case you’re interested.) Anyway, Zack pulls up on a golf cart and somehow, in 10 seconds, makes Jessie see what a royal [bleep] she’s been and gets her to go back to the wedding. They tear across the golf course as fast as possible, which is at about 15 miles an hour. Still, Jessie screams like they’re on the autobahn or something.

Back at the hotel, the gang is taking the priest on a wild goose chase in search of Mr. Spano. Finally, they have no choice but to take him to the actual wedding, which seems to be being held in the lobby. No sooner does the wedding start than someone yells, “Wait! Stop the wedding!” because it is totally against the Official Sitcom Rules to have a wedding at which someone does not yell “Wait! Stop the wedding!”

One can only assume that these two honeymooned in the SBTB Bermuda Triangle.

One can only assume that these two honeymooned in the SBTB Bermuda Triangle.

Jessie and Zack come running up; Jessie shoves on her Dyeables and runs up to the altar to tell Leslie that she doesn’t think she’s a gold-digging bimbo after all. And they all live happily ever after. At least we assume they do, because the wedding doesn’t actually take place before the credits roll and, in true form, Mr. Spano and Leslie the Aerobics Bimbo are never mentioned again.

Quote of the episode
“I’ll have a Diet Lips.” –Kelly, to the hunky waiter

Grade: B-
The first half of this episode was so much better than the second half. I blame this on the sudden absence of Screech’s How to Meet Girls book, not to mention the total lack of neon gym wear and backwards high-cut thongs. Plus, Jessie’s royal [bleep] act really starts to grate on my nerves, possibly because of the scarily incestuous way she keeps fawning over her father.

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