Clear skin! Beat Valley!

Isn't this what the school store is for?

Isn’t this what the school store is for?

It’s homecoming time at Bayside, and you know what that means: a) Kelly is freaking out about whether she’s going to be crowned homecoming queen, much to the annoyance of her friends and the viewing audience at large, and b) Jessie and Lisa have set up shop in the hallway to sell Bayside paraphernalia. Apparently the no-selling-stuff-in-the-hallway rule only applies to Zack.

In chemistry class, Screech proudly shows Zack and Lisa his first zit, which he’s named Murray. I personally think Eugene is a better zit name, but whatever. A random mean chemistry teacher tells them they have to get their experiment done right away. Hello, didn’t class just start? That seems a little unreasonable. Screech adds a “dash” of something out of a brown bottle to his beaker. Hmm, I haven’t had a chemistry class in awhile, but don’t those measurements need to be exact? And shouldn’t you know what it is you’re measuring? Unsurprisingly, Screech’s experiment explodes all over his face.

Later that day, Screech is freaking out because Murray has disappeared…in a matter of two hours. It doesn’t take Zack long to realize that he’s sitting on a goldmine! He and Screech recruit “Craterface” Coburn for a field test. That was pretty dumb, considering that their test subject’s face was clear to begin with, despite the producers’ attempts to convince us otherwise by giving him the nickname “Craterface.” OK, so perhaps they managed to fool a few people, but they’re the same people who believe Rebecca Gayheart got clear skin by using Noxema.

A rare Muffin Sangria sighting!

A rare Muffin Sangria sighting!

Meanwhile, Kelly seems to think she has a zit smack dab on the end of her nose, but I don’t really see anything. At any rate, she’s freaking out because the homecoming rally is the very next day, and you know they would never pick a homecoming queen who has a pimple because it is totally abnormal for teenagers to have blemishes. Lisa and Jessie try to comfort her, but I have no idea what they’re saying because I’m too distracted by the huge black-and-white poster of George Michael on Kelly’s wall. Maybe that’s also the reason why I can’t see Kelly’s zit. Or maybe it’s because it doesn’t actually exist.

Anyway, Kelly’s endless stream of annoying and pointless worrying segues us into a fantasy sequence in which she’s riding down the hallways of Bayside on an office chair or something wearing a huge red glittery clown nose. Hey, it could have been worse. She could have had to wear a plain foam clown nose. At least this one matches her dress.

Once again, Zack has chosen to forgo the more traditional cash box in favor of keeping his proceeds organized by grasping them loosely in his fist.

Once again, Zack has chosen to forgo the more traditional cash box in favor of keeping his proceeds organized by grasping them loosely in his fist.

Zack has set up shop in the hallway yet again, this time to market his zit cream. And this time, he’s recycled a hat from election day to give him that old-timey salesman feel—I guess. I couldn’t think of any other purpose the hat would be serving because it’s certainly not covering up his over-moussed hair. Once Zack makes his sales pitch and shows everyone how his miracle cream has cleared up “Craterface”‘s already-clear skin, the other clear-skinned students of Bayside line up to buy it.

But just as soon as Zack and “Craterface” are raking in the dough, Belding busts up their operation, citing the Zack-can’t-sell-stuff-in-the-hallway rule. Belding demands that Zack cease and desist all sales of Zit Off…until Zack promises to name the zit cream “Beldasil,” after Mr. Belding. Well, I can see the allure there.

Meanwhile, Screech has discovered an unfortunate side effect of the cream—it turns your face maroon. Oh no! Kelly has rubbed the cream all over her face in an attempt to clear up the nonexistent zit on her nose! And the homecoming rally is in 24 hours! Her lifelong dream of becoming homecoming queen has been dashed! Whatever will Zack do to right this horrible wrong?

More distressing than Kelly's maroon face is the fact that her bangs are almost entirely eclipsing her homecoming crown.

More distressing than Kelly’s maroon face is the fact that her bangs are almost entirely eclipsing her homecoming crown.

For starters, he makes Screech hide in the mascot’s costume while he takes about a day to figure out a solution to this taxing problem. Finally it dawns on him: Since Bayside’s school color is maroon, he’ll just convince everyone that Kelly’s maroon face is a sign of her school spirit. Wow, how fortunate was that? It’s a good thing their school color wasn’t blue or something. Kelly, wearing a clingy orange dress and cowboy boots (seriously, couldn’t she have chosen something that didn’t clash quite so badly with her maroon face?) is crowned homecoming queen, and she, Jessie and Lisa break out into another one of those spontaneous Bayside raps that we all know and love.

Quote of the episode
Zack: “A blemish cream that actually works—kids would pay a fortune for it!”
Screech: “And adults, too. It would do wonders for Gorbachev!”
Zack: “Yeah…it’s like acne glasnost!”

Grade: A
Kelly’s constant whining is majorly annoying, but all in all, this episode is a classic, featuring the best-named auxiliary character ever (Muffin Sangria) and the “Beat-b-beat-bbb-beat!” rap/cheer. Besides, what other show would devote an entire episode to the subject of acne?

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