Wherefore art thou, Tony Crane?

Tony CraneFor never was there a tale of more woe, than the time all the girls of Bayside crushed super-hard on substitute English teacher Tony Crane. Read the rest of this entry »

Rage before booty

Fatal Attraction KellyAfter Zack bugs the girls’ slumber party to get intel on Kelly’s choice of date for the dance, they attempt to convince him that Kelly’s the next Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Nice try, but we all know that title belongs to Jessie. Read the rest of this entry »

Teenagers & tiaras

Miss BaysideThe Miss Bayside pageant gives Jessie a chance to hop back up on her “feminist” soapbox, Kelly a chance to sing really badly, Slater a chance to bust out some short-shorts, and Lisa a chance to get sassy. But it’s Screech who takes the glory—and the crown—thanks to (of course) a Zack Morris scam. Read the rest of this entry »

All we are saying is give chocolate-covered grasshoppers a chance

The Earth experiences a seismic shift of record proportions after Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr. and Susan B. Anthony collectively roll over in their graves upon witnessing the weak-ass plastic foam protest planned by Jessie and Graham. Elsewhere, Zack is apparently too consumed with the task of trying to outwit Belding and sneak out of school to fly into one of his trademark jealous rages when Slater puts the moves on Kelly. Read the rest of this entry »

Break me up before you go-go

Slater dancing balletWhen Zack and Slater fail to see eye to eye with their women about the merits of the ballet and Kelly’s right to have a sugar daddy, it’s trouble in paradise. The guys kick it solo for a while (which seems to suit Slater just fine), until they realize this means spending some quality time with Richie “No Life” Belding. So Zack and Slater hastily get their girls back, by apologizing and acting like a flaming homosexual, respectively. Read the rest of this entry »

Kelly of Arc, junior-prom martyr

Finally! Everyone (sort of) ends up with the person they’re supposed to be with. Kelly and Zack, Jessie and Slater, Lisa and Screech, Random Nerd Alan and some cake… Oh, and Kelly’s dad gets laid off, ostensibly due to “world peace.” Guess the SBTB writers forgot about that pesky little Gulf War. Not to mention the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. And…oh, never mind. Accuracy is not the reason why we love this show. Read the rest of this entry »

“I don’t think we need to be subliminable…”

This episode answers two very important questions. Namely, does Slater really have feelings for Zack? (Yes.) And is Beau Revere the dumbest fake celebrity name ever? (Yes.) Ah, if only the Republicans had thought to broadcast their “subliminable” messages through teen pop back in 2000–we could have avoided that whole nasty recount mess. (The downside: We might all be compelled to refer to W. as “a salt-and-pepper Tom Cruise.”) Read the rest of this entry »