Kristy giving a noogieFemale wrestler Kristy Barnes rolls into Bayside to teach everyone a Very Important Lesson about gender roles. So Important is this Lesson, as it turns out, that there is no time for Jessie to learn that “pigism” isn’t actually a word, nor for the rest of us to learn why Coach Sonski has a mysterious accent straight outta Newark. But at least we all now know how to escape a choke hold by administering a noogie. Read the rest of this entry »

The Bullshit Aptitude Test

I'm so excited!Sharpen those No. 2 pencils, kids, and get ready to wade through the bullshit! If this episode is to be believed, taking the SATs is the most important thing you’ll ever do in your life (ever), colleges pay no attention to students’ grades or activities and offer scholarship packages that include cars, caesar salads come with anchovies, people will believe you’re from Harvard as long as you say “Harvard” super-annoyingly, Zack is a genius, and Jessie’s an idiot. All right, we’ll buy that last one. Read the rest of this entry »

All we are saying is give chocolate-covered grasshoppers a chance

The Earth experiences a seismic shift of record proportions after Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr. and Susan B. Anthony collectively roll over in their graves upon witnessing the weak-ass plastic foam protest planned by Jessie and Graham. Elsewhere, Zack is apparently too consumed with the task of trying to outwit Belding and sneak out of school to fly into one of his trademark jealous rages when Slater puts the moves on Kelly. Read the rest of this entry »

College girls are easy

Zack and DanielleZack meets a desperate 35-year-old “college student” at the Max, and she takes him and the guys to the club where all the desperate 35-year-old “college students” hang out. And what do you know? They run into The Sketchinator, cheating on Kelly! What are the odds? Of course, Zack fails to consider the fact that his mom is also part of the over-35 set, and therefore the odds that they’re going to get busted are quite good as well. Read the rest of this entry »

Kelly of Arc, junior-prom martyr

Finally! Everyone (sort of) ends up with the person they’re supposed to be with. Kelly and Zack, Jessie and Slater, Lisa and Screech, Random Nerd Alan and some cake… Oh, and Kelly’s dad gets laid off, ostensibly due to “world peace.” Guess the SBTB writers forgot about that pesky little Gulf War. Not to mention the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. And…oh, never mind. Accuracy is not the reason why we love this show. Read the rest of this entry »

How am I supposed to…sing when your face is so freaking close to mine?

Zack and Kelly breakupZack and Kelly have a heart-wrenching breakup on “their” picnic table, during which Zack quotes lines from his hit song “Did We Ever Have a Chance.” Meanwhile, Jessie gets up in Slater’s face and makes a dying-cow noise that I guess we’re supposed to assume is singing. Is it just me, or was she not this bad when she was in Hot Sundae? Must’ve been the caffeine pills. Read the rest of this entry »

Jessie is so, so scared…that her stepmom is an Aerobics Bimbo!

Pool KissThe gang heads to Palm Springs for the wedding of Jessie’s dad. Jessie acts like a royal [bleep], Slater meets the princess of a made-up country, Zack hooks up with Kelly (but only after trying to get with Jessie’s future stepmom), and Screech says stuff like “I hear ya, blood!” Read the rest of this entry »